PSA: Your PhD is for you

Isn’t it amazing how many people around you know exactly why you’re in grad school, what you need to do, and what you need to do in the long run. goals should be Earning a PhD should be a positive walk in the park with so many benefactors working tirelessly to guide you through this time in your life.

But let’s be real—with so many people seemingly knowing exactly what, why, where, and how, it’s easy to forget the most relevant piece of information—the reason you got into grad school in the first place.

Here are some external pressures that my graduate student therapy clients regularly report to me. These pressures sometimes swell and go beyond any measure and completely obscure the desires and motivations of the people themselves. And remember, this is just a subset—there are undoubtedly many more.

1. Pressure from counselors to stay in academia: This is first on the list because it might be the most common one I hear: Many people have academic advisors who are really decent and good. However, these people have been in academia for a long time, and somewhere along their journeys, many of them have come to believe that there is no life outside of academia, and therefore all their students must become university professors. Thus, many students feel the great weight of expectation that they have to become academics career their only wish.
2. Parental pressure to stay in academia: This often (though not exclusively) comes up in the context of international students with families abroad: Becoming a professor, especially at a prestigious American university, comes with a halo of “glitz” and prestige. If you have a child who is an American professor, you must have done something right in their upbringing. I’ve had many people report that they are pressured by their parents to take an academic path, even if it doesn’t fit their character and personal aspirations.
3. Pressure from families as a whole: Pressure from families comes in all shapes and sizes. Some families tend to raise professors, while others prefer high-paying careers in finance or high technology. The characteristics change, but the point remains: it’s hard to get through grad school while being strongly encouraged to dream someone else’s dream.
4. Pressure competition: When competitive people get together, the inevitable happens – they immediately compete with each other. I’ve heard numerous accounts of people devoting incredible amounts of resources to achieving goals that make them competitive with their peers, but not good for them. This includes fighting for internships just because others have provided them, joining projects that do not advance personal goals, and so on.

Sometimes it takes a long time in therapy for people to become okay with acknowledging their true personal goals and the real reasons why they chose to pursue higher education. Here are some examples of the main reasons people are in high school:

1. University environment: Some people choose high school simply because they like the university environment and student lifestyle, enjoy studying, and are not yet ready for “adult” work.
2. Great Happiness: Some people go to grad school because they were excellent students and they thought high school would be a different place for them. Such people sometimes report that, in fact, they have never been interested in any particular scientific discipline; they just wanted to do what they believed they could do really well.
3. Earning Potential: However, others went to high school because they believed it would maximize their future earnings and qualify them for high-paying jobs. This is especially true for people in technical fields such as computer science and engineering.
4. Green Card Opportunity: The reality for international students who want to stay in the United States is that going to graduate school may be their best bet for applying for a green card later.
5. Desire for a career in academia: This is so obvious it may sound silly. Some people go to high school because they really want to pursue a career in academia.

Let’s get to the point. If you compare the first list with the second, you will see that they have something in common, but have a different flavor. You may also notice that the second list includes practical life goals (such as getting a green card) and honest human goals (such as having some fun before getting a traditional job) that are not at all on the first list. In other words, when people are under pressure, not only are they being pressured to deviate from their true goals in life, but they are also being pressured to condemn the human and underlying reasons they may have for the choices they make.

Let me remind you: Your years are indispensable education a long time passed. You are a free agent who freely chose to come to high school and you are free to leave. There is nothing special about high school, and there is no divine reason why it should be any different than any other life choice. It should serve your practical and/or aspirational life goals and nothing else. Your advisor may want you to love science and may pressure you to serve the gods of academia, but you may only be there because you want to make more money later, and that’s okay. Conversely, your family might imagine you’ll be the CEO of Google and make millions of dollars, but you might be there to teach at a liberal arts college later, and that’s okay too.

Just remember that as long as you treat people with respect, pass your qualifying exams, fulfill your contractual obligations, and meet the basic requirements for a degree, you owe no one else anything, and you should feel free to accept your personal reasons for going to grad school.