This is the third in a series focused on recognizing and changing abusive behavior. (see Why some victims of child abuse repeat what was done to them and Recognizing Abusive Patterns: A Guide to Change).
Because it can be so difficult to recognize that you are abusive, I have listed and described some characteristics that predispose a person to abuse, especially with their partners. These features include:
A strong desire to maintain control
Children who are emotionally, physically or sexually abused have no control over what happens to them. They are ordered around, put down, criticized and shamed. They are emotional and physical borders is regularly violated. This is a common reaction for survivors of any type of abuse to overcompensate for this loss of control and become overly controlling and domineering. Some consciously think, “Nobody’s controlling me anymore,” but that’s usually the decision unconscious one Many deliberately choose partners they can control; others are unaware that they are attracted to those who allow them to control the relationship.
Tendency to blame others for your problems
Many who have been abused as children, especially men, cope by using their own forms of violence. to refuse It is called “getting to know the aggressor”. When a young child refuses to admit that he or she is being victimized, but instead justifies or minimizes the abuser’s behavior, he or she often grows up to look a lot like the abuser and behave in the same ways as the abuser.
When a person is abusive, they will become even more invested in denying reality. If they were to acknowledge their behavior and the devastating effect it had on others, they would also open the door to remembering and acknowledging their victimhood – something that many find very painful. Therefore, they blame the victim for their victimization, thereby avoiding any responsibility or acknowledgment of their abusive behavior.
Tendency to see yourself as a victim
When a person has a victim mentality, their perception is wrong. No matter how much they hurt someone else, they only seem to be hurting themselves. Because of their experiences of abuse or neglect, they always remain in the role of victim – only able to see the harm that other people have caused them, and completely oblivious to any harm that they themselves are causing to others. Another reason people who abuse tend to blame others for their behavior is psychological. defense mechanism it is known projection. The way it works is that as a defense against facing a quality we dislike about ourselves, we project that quality onto someone else.
Difficulties with others or the inability to empathize with others
Partly because they remain in the role of victim and their perception is diminished, those who have been neglected or abused as children are often unable to empathize with others or put themselves in another person’s shoes. In particular, those who were neglected in childhood often become angry and cruel to others and are emotionally unable to “understand” the effect their behavior has on others. They don’t understand or feel what it means to others when they say or do something hurtful. In fact, adults who are neglected as children often feel compelled to hurt and harm others – usually someone they see as less powerful than themselves. One of the most disturbing elements of this aggression is that it is often accompanied by a lack of empathy, coldness. They may feel remorse (an intellectual response) but not remorse (an emotional response) when confronted with aggressive and cruel behavior.
Jealous and possessive tendencies
This tendency stems from feelings of insecurity and inferiority self-esteem who were neglected, abandoned or abused as children. Children need nurturing, acceptance and stability to feel secure in themselves and their environment. When they don’t accept it, they try to get security from others, especially their partner. When this security is threatened by real or imagined situations, they will try hard to keep their partner.
A tendency to be needy
This trait also stems from feelings of insecurity and low self-esteem. When a child’s emotional needs are not met, they starve for the nurturing, acceptance, and positive feedback they did not receive from their parents. When that child grows up and enters adult relationships, all those things that were not satisfied must reappear. We want our partner to give us what we didn’t get as children, and when they can’t or won’t, we get angry, resentful, and demanding. Although it is unreasonable to expect our partner to compensate us for what we did not receive as children, we still expect it, and this expectation can lead to serious relationship conflicts. Partners feel that they have to satisfy our needs, and even those who try, gradually realize that our needs are not infinite, they become more and more angry. We become angrier and more demanding over time until our expectations become abusive.
Unfortunately, nothing our partner does will ever be enough. No amount of trust or sacrifice from our partner can fill the voids within us. We must begin to fill the void ourselves. We need to start meeting our unmet needs.
Aversion or hatred of weakness
This tendency is associated with identification with the abuser and is a form of denial. Especially for men, it is difficult to admit their victimization, primarily because men always grow up to be tough and strong. When a man is a victim, especially if he is physically or sexually assaulted, he is likely to shame because he believes that he should be able to defend himself and prevent abuse. As a way of coping with this sense of shame, he may refuse to acknowledge his victimization or blame himself for his victimization. When he sees another who seems to be weak, he can feel a kind of unique anger inside him, because this person (unknowingly) reminds him of himself.
If you realize that you have many of these traits, instead of condemning and blaming yourself and starting to feel ashamed, recognize them as signs of your problem – signs that you can do something about. In our next blog, we will focus on some actions you can take to help reduce these trends.
