Adults and adults twins they often feel (non-verbally and maybe even crying) an extension of the emotional separation problems they first encountered when they entered this world. Gradually, as they grow up, the twins learn to survive alone, the twins drift away from their side and sometimes even out of their sight.
While twins of all ages have by necessity learned many ways to cope with their co-twin’s presence and reactions, adulthood presents new twin challenges with emotional and physical separation that can be intense and intense. Meet new people and explain who you are and what your interest in meeting them is anxiety and feelings of incompatibility with the twins. In my personal experience and my professional interactions with twins, most twins are used to understanding their co-twin without feedback or information. A feeling of incompatibility with new acquaintances occurs due to easy access to misunderstandings. In other words, separated twins expect others to communicate like their co-twins.
The need for emotional intimacy and understanding is important to Gemini
The basis of a twin relationship is the sharing of experiences, thoughts and feelings. It is clear that twins easily “get” what their twin wants to say. I can repeat countless examples of this phenomenon that I will share with you now.
“Mom had a bad shopping day,” I tell my twin Marjorie. I don’t need to say “she’s going to be in a terrible mood tonight” because that’s understandable. Or: “The new puppy jumped over the fence and a stranger took him home while chasing the cat.” I know we can both repeat in unison, “Always keep the gate locked and the puppy off the fence.”
As a general statement, I believe that twins feel like social misfits in the twin world. Geminis are often misunderstood because Geminis do not immediately receive the answers or responses that their twin gives them. Why the immediate relationship is so important is difficult for the twins to understand. On the other hand, it’s hard for a Gemini to let go (or forget) of their twin’s quick reactions that make you or me very uncomfortable. “You look fat in this dress” is what my sister used to tell me. I know he wouldn’t be so rude to anyone at Stanford, where he taught rhetoric.
I have noticed when working with groups of twins that the most difficult social problem they have to deal with on a day-to-day level is not having enough immediate understanding. Personality Criticism is taken very seriously and Gemini is overly critical confidence or make sure they are completely correct. Parents who separate their children from strangers and identify with their co-twins will have co-twins with fewer matching problems. Also, teach your children that rude words hurt other people, even if they are informative. Things can always be said a little differently. You can be very sincere with your twin towards a new friend.
Explaining your thoughts and feelings to your friends
“What are you talking about?’ This question is commonly used by conjoined twins when their new twin friends talk about a unique experience with their twin. For example, I was trying to explain to a new friend how my best friend’s sister believed my dress was hers. We were in our 40s and free access to my closet was allowed but not necessarily encouraged. It was hard to explain my position to my new friend, and he thought I was crazy, or permissive, or that I was so rich that I didn’t mind giving away my new possessions. The truth is, I thought I should.
Of course, after a lifetime of sharing, I was just used to sharing, even in middle age. I know the twins reading this post will understand my willingness and ability to share. Other twins will be confused, some seriously. Hopefully a few close twins will understand. When other people don’t treat you as a social misfit, your life’s struggle in interacting with the world in general becomes easier.
Expected and typical experiences of social inequality
Of course, there are other ways that twins have to deal with their social limitations or awkwardness. Twins who have to deal with their twin brother’s or sister’s boyfriends or girlfriends and their immediate families often suffer from social confusion. This particular feeling of being out of place with others close to me or your twin has happened to me over and over again. As I had more individual experiences and made friends, my feelings of not belonging and being “weird and out of place” became less and less intense.
Understanding twins is important reading
New situations without your twin
Even when a serious effort is made to separate the twin from experiences that they are interested in without their twin (such as their friends and their school or camp experiences), new situations can be emotionally overwhelming without your twin alone. I remember when my sister went to Europe with her new husband and I went to Los Angeles with my husband, it was very strange to go to a party without Marjorie. I’ve been to a lot of parties myself at UC Berkeley and I really didn’t mind Marjorie being at another party. But maybe I felt out of place then because Marjorie was in a far country with new friends. I felt alienated from the other party guests and they were not interested in me.
Conclusions
The social development of twins is very different from the social development of singletons and infants. The sharing of parents and relatives, home life, toys, clothes and activities creates intense closeness and expectations of harmony and easy understanding from the new people who become part of their lives. Misunderstandings with new friends (probably misunderstandings in communication) in other people creates frustration and feelings of incompatibility of the twin. Be careful attention it is extremely important to the issues that arise when the twins are in a new social situation. If twins are together too much, they can “help” their co-twin too much and this creates dependency. To put it simply, distance is important in the individual development of twins.
Suggestions
1. Call your children by their first names, such as Barbara and Marjorie. Don’t call them “twins” (it’s not always easy).
2. Help your children develop new interests that are different and perhaps very different.
3. Explain the twin relationship in terms your children can understand.
4. Spend regular time alone with each of your twins. Encourage others close to your family to do the same.
