Stop it. Just stop it. There are different theories out there about when you should stop dating because you’ve seen enough and just choose the best thing you already have. One of these is the optimal suspension theory from mathematics, which gave rise to the 37% rule. This rule of thumb suggests that after you’ve seen 37% of what you’re going to see, you have enough information to make a decision. But is this rule even close to 100% accurate?
The 37% rule derives from optimal termination theory
Dating may not be a “simple” problem. But optimal stopping theory will give it as a “pattern”. Before you start dating, you don’t know what’s really out there without having a real example to tell. Advertisingrom-coms and Social media can tell you that there is a prince or princess charming out there for you. But when you actually start dating to sample, you may find that this is not the case.
In some cases, you may want a breakpoint. After all, you can’t date every available person in the world. And you may have a certain life goals which are sensitive to time. The first goal of dating then is to have a large enough sample to at least tell you what to really expect. That pattern can help you check your expectations and let you know when you finally meet someone who might be good enough for you to finally settle down.
Optimal stopping theory sets this sample size at 37% of the total population of interest based on mathematical calculations. It suggests that if you have to choose from 100 different possible options, you should choose 37 and stick to only 37 before you know what to choose next. These first 37 serve only as a sample for your calibration. So, when you find something good or better than best in the first 37%, optimal stopping theory says to pick it. This is because any further search offers little benefit and is less likely to identify something better.
How to calculate 37%
Numbering your dating days may be simple in theory, but it can be complicated in practice. For example, what number should you multiply 37% by to get your final number? This will not be the total number of available people on earth, because the number still runs into the hundreds of millions. And maybe you don’t have smooth lines or enough clothes to go on that many dates.
One suggestion was to limit the total number of dates you can realistically go on during a selected period. Say it’s one week over the course of a year. With the exception of major holiday weeks like Groundhog Day, this may include only 50 dates. Multiplying that by 37% gives about 19 dates as your calibration sample. So if you went on 19 dates and didn’t let them progress further, you now have a comparison pattern for dates 20 and beyond.
Another suggestion was to add 37% to the amount of time you want to spend finding a partner. Say it’s ten years old. So the first three years, eight months and 12 days will only be your calibration sample. The 13th day of the ninth month is when you enter the selection stage.
The Problem with the 37% Rule
As you can see, it is not easy to calculate 37% exactly 100%. The number of dates is not counted either. If you spend your days inside a cinderblock cell that only shows up for dates, you’ll likely meet other people in settings, which can also help set expectations. So the questions are, what is counted in the first 37% and how much variation and uncertainty can there be in the math?
Moreover, it is difficult to predict when your perfect match might come into your life. What if it happens before you reach 37% or after you think you’re already past 100%? This 37% rule can ruin the whole thing for high school and college sweethearts.
This 37% dating rule also ignores other things that happen a large percentage of the time. You, your understanding of yourself, your life circumstances, and therefore your dating pool and preferences will change over time, especially before you really get to know yourself. My naïve and misguided dating efforts in my 20s, for example, left me with a skewed pattern that didn’t match my true self. And the comedian once joked that if he met his long-time wife today, he might not have asked for a second date.
How to Use the 37% Rule
So the best way to use the 37% rule is how you should use the so-called dating rules: loosely. It does not come freely to everyone. But loosely, rather than a hard and fast rule that must be followed carefully, it may be a reminder of some general principles.
One of those principles is to give yourself enough time to learn about what’s out there before you commit to a lifetime commitment. The second principle is the opposite. Don’t always think that something else is better. Do not ban the monkey, which I described earlier in my article, “A funny bone to pick.” If you’ve already found someone who seems like a great fit, you can go for it. This assumes that you are capable of obeying someone.
This does not mean that mathematics cannot be used to describe the various things around us. Mathematics must be complex enough to accommodate all the complexities and factors involved in real life. When the math used is too simple, things don’t add up and existing problems can grow.
