Marcus, a COO I worked with, had just helped lead his company through a major acquisition. Millions of dollars were secured, ten years of effort was proven, every outward sign of success…but he felt exhausted and didn’t understand why.
What he couldn’t see was that he was going around his life as if every moment was a productive encounter. She was carrying a significant load of stress, expending enormous energy to make sure no one else saw it. The only thing anyone saw from Marcus was silence. The problem was that the cost of maintaining the facade was invisible even to him. Therefore, he did not try to remove it.
An example to a childhood a household where you have not yet been able to, and where visible tension is understood as a kind of failure, will never be shown.
Your version may be different, but I’m sure you know the feeling. A moment before you present to the board. When the project proposal is supported. When someone compliments your work, your first instinct is to They are just being polite. A not-so-subtle disagreement with an important point you make in the meeting. Fast forward six months, which still seems like a mistake.
You know the feeling. And you know, the move that you do right after that – you put on the compound mask. Fast.
The feeling is called the impostor phenomenon, and a systematic review of more than 11,000 people found that 62 percent felt it to a significant degree (Bravata et al., 2019); in executive samples, which reaches about 71 percent. The people we think “get it” are the ones who feel it the most.
And while the spread imposter syndrome may feel sudden, the real puzzle is why it’s so hard to beat. Even very smart leaders who fully understand the pattern can stay in it for decades. The answer is not emotion. What you do with it.
Circle and lock
Enter a moment of heightened concern and your brain’s threat system fires up. Typically, the smart part includes: I did it. I am qualified. But when the threat is important to you personality, When “not who they think I am” is exposed, your threat response can negate a reasonable threat. You look for evidence that you don’t belong, and that’s exactly what your brain finds. Even when you do succeed, your brain either records it as an exception or thinks, All of me anxiety worked on this. I’ll need it next time. Self-doubt and the race to fix it all feel like you’re on edge.
Uncomfortable, maybe. But, on its own, it’s workable.
But then comes a complex problem that keeps you in a loop. When in doubt, almost every high performer hides it. You work hard to keep your voice steady, keep a neutral face, and don’t let anyone see the uneasiness. This instinct to completely hide your inner doubt may be the most expensive move you can make.
People who are constantly stressed expression from feelings don’t feel less; they feel worse while outwardly looking calm (Gross & John, 2003). It’s like catching a house fire without calling the fire department because you don’t want the neighbors to have a problem.
Selling all that stress also burns up the exact mental bandwidth you need to think clearly. In a brain that’s already running a threat response, you’ve now added a second job, just when your bandwidth is already stretched.
The way it works for Marcus is to show that he works so hard to present himself as competent and safe that no one even thinks to convince him of this fact. His repression actually exacerbates the problems he is dealing with.
When you’re unreadable, corrective feedback can’t reach you, and honestly”you got it” telling your brain to stand up will never land.
A deal that will have everyone praising you is what will keep you busy.
When a leader practices chronic calm and never shares vulnerability or doubt, the audience quickly learns: Taking is unacceptable. They stop the problem early. They hide their air. You get a team that quietly runs the same loop, and a culture where no one tells the truth until it’s a crisis. Of all stable– looked leadershipthus teaching everyone that discomfort is something to hide.
Why we live in imposter syndrome
The standard advice is: “Believe in yourself. Own your truth.” But it doesn’t work. The example is about belief, of course, but it’s a belief that was formed a long time ago… something that I hook
Somewhere early on, looking like you had it all together was rewarded, while looking vulnerable was frowned upon or punished. When you reached the top, it stopped and felt like a strategy who are you It’s a personality, not just a mask you wear at work. The behavior you use to maintain suspense is like a character trait. It can feel scary to let it go.
Imposter Syndrome Essential Readings
What to do instead
The point is not to make you feel less suspicious. Research shows that this leads to more problems. The real goal is to stop broadcasting. Here are three moves that can help you get started:
- Name it yourself. Not “I emphasized” but “I’m worried because the board is evaluating a call that I’m not sure about.” Putting the emotion into concrete words measurably calms the brain’s threat response (Lieberman et al., 2007). Do this in the 10 seconds before panic attacks or whenever panic attacks again.
- Treat feelings as information, not judgment. Doubt doesn’t tell you that you don’t belong; it tells you that you are in a high situation that you care about and that something specific has not been resolved. Ask: What is not clear here? There is usually a real question underneath the global fear.
- Let one see the true reading. This will break the lock. You don’t have to be emotional in the boardroom, but you should stop implying that emotion is a closed door. Choose a trusted person and let them see real-time weather. A vulnerable sentence, “I’m second-guessing myself and want to think it out loud,” can make all the difference and release a tremendous amount of stress. It can also open the door to true corrective signals for reversals.
Marcus, the COO I opened with, didn’t do it by force of will. One busy week, he canceled an all-department meeting and allowed himself to call his own state’s honesty instead of burying it under a good performance.
This is movement. Not overly dramatic, but not on autopilot. He used the free time to collect his thoughts, fit better and prepare for the next meeting.
Remember this: the ring is uncomfortable; dealing with discomfort makes it permanent.
Feeling cheated is just the fact that you care and is a predictable threat response that is often the highest among people who have taken their seat.
The deal you use to hide it is that the emotion never gets the air and day it needs to be dealt with.
You don’t have to break up to lead, but you do have to stop confusing poker face with power. The strongest leaders are those who can name what they feel, read it clearly, and be available while doing so.
So this week, try to think about this: What door have you closed and who could see what’s behind it?
For more information on the hidden drivers behind persistent patterns like this, see my book Idle.
