One of the main reasons for treatment a marriage after unfaithful so hard – even when both people have the best of intentions – is that recovery is a steady thing.
Just when you seem to be turning a corner and feeling a little bit more, something happens and you’re right back where you started. Depression begins. Hope fades.
Then you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get back on track. Only for a while, that is, until the next mine takes you up.
The ups and downs become unbearable and leave both spouses wondering, “Will we make it?” they leave “Should we even try?” “Maybe we’d better go our separate ways.”
If you or someone you know is trying to heal after an affair, I’m sure what you’re reading will sound very familiar. And you may be wondering why it is impossible to get any traction in putting this work and its consequences in the past.
For the past several decades, I have specialized in helping couples heal from infidelity and move past this universal quicksand in the recovery process. Here’s what I’ve learned about the best ways to ensure that setbacks don’t permanently derail you in your quest to bring joy and peace back into your life.
Accept that triggers are inevitable
No matter how much unfaithful spouses hate that random painful thoughts pop up every time the infidelity is mentioned, I’ve never met one who didn’t. The feeling comes after the relationship is revealed completely normal
The problem did not arise; the problem is what happens after the triggering thought occurs.
Instead of temporarily accepting that motivation can be expected, especially early in the recovery process, many betrayed spouses feel that they must “move on” and become frustrated and depressed.
Now, instead of just dealing with the pain of mentally reliving what happened, unfaithful spouses the second layer of pain because they criticize themselves for not being able to avoid failures.
Often, this pain turns into it angerthat falls on the cheating spouse for making the choices that put them in this situation in the first place. The conversations that follow usually don’t end well.
How to avoid being hijacked
Although this takes a lot of practice, when thoughts arise, remind yourself that this is to be expected. Pay attention to the thought, notice the feeling that arises, but resist the temptation to let one thought lead to another and another. In other words, avoid following the storyline just because you’ve been “invited” to go down the rabbit hole.
After a storyline or filling in more details, it will bury you deeper and make it harder to dig your way out.
Of course, this kind of discipline is impossible for most people right after the affair is discovered. But, over time, choose where to place yourself attention it becomes a difficult but viable choice.
Also, accept the idea that judging yourself for “recurring” is unfair and unreasonable. Give yourself some grace.
Finally, plan what you will do when the trigger demon pulls you up. Have a list of things you can do to push the mental reset button. For example, call a friend, go for a walk, start a Wordle game, pray, feed your cat, etc. Instead of focusing on the times you went off track, track your victories against the ubiquitous trigger demon.
A critical reading of infidelity
Unwanted responses from an unfaithful spouse
Betrayed spouses aren’t the only ones who get frustrated when a “normal” day ends. Unfaithful spouses, always hoping that the pain will go away, that the conversations about affairs will stop and that life will go back to normal, often respond to their partner’s triggering events in unpleasant ways.
If the relationship ends, the unfaithful spouse may think that the bad feelings and memories will too. They want their betrayed spouses to leave the past behind and focus on the future. Cheating spouses can become impatient, frustrated, and critical. There is little sympathy.
But for an unfaithful spouse, work no in the past; Cheating spouses often live and breathe it every waking moment.
How to avoid triggering events that define moments
Even if betrayed spouses don’t fully understand why their partners are still hurting, it’s important to respond in supportive ways when setbacks occur. Impatience, judgment and criticism will only make things worse. Betrayed spouses feel misunderstood, angry, hurt, and alone.
If a marriage is to survive and thrive after infidelity, it must exist teamworkeven when it’s hard. Sympathy, compassion and education is what is needed, not condemnation.
Sometimes betrayed spouses do not know what to say or do to comfort their angry spouses. While no two betrayed spouses are exactly alike, I have found that the following approaches, when followed consistently, work for many couples:
- Stay calm
- Don’t be defensive
- Answer questions openly and honestly
- Express regret and remorse for hurting your spouse
- Witness and validate feelings
- Remember, there is no such thing as an apology
The early stages of recovery, when the triggers are constant, are often the hardest part of healing after an affair. This is when many couples lose hope because it feels like nothing is working. But that’s when work is most important. As couples learn how to respond to triggers in new ways, even small changes begin to add up. Over time, those painful moments will lose their grip – not only surviving infidelity, but creating a stronger, more connected marriage.
If you are here now, it is not a sign that your relationship cannot be restored – it is a sign that you are in one of the most difficult stages of the process.
