Our words and actions are incredibly powerful, but we often forget that when we think that no one pays. attention.
I want to ask you an important question: How do you react when life gets difficult or when technology acts “stupid”? When a customer service representative accidentally hangs up on you, are you angry for the next fifteen minutes? Do you scream at the dashboard when your GPS tells you to take a wrong turn?
It’s easy to assume that as long as no one hears us—or if we’re just yelling at the car—we’re anger it doesn’t really matter. We see it as a harmless release of stress. We think we can be “rabid animals” on the highway or with our computers, and then seamlessly flip the switch and be holy when we’re with our families.
But modern psychology and neurology reveals a surprising truth: the human brain doesn’t work that way.
Danger of “deep nerve”
The brain is no different World Health Organization or what we are angry; it just notes that we are angry.
In psychology, we refer to this as “neural depth,” which is related to our neuroplasticity. Every time you react to a frustrating situation with anger, you deepen a neural pathway in your brain. You are actively turning your thinking into impatience and hostility. If we allow ourselves to do evil anywhere in life, even to one artificial intelligence chatbot or slow web page—we teach our brains that cruelty is an acceptable basis.
Because we are creatures of habit, those well-worn nerve pits inevitably bleed over into our real-life relationships. The anger we act out in private eventually turns into impatience, which we take out on the people we love the most.
Scorpion and the waiter
It has a deep story about a monk and a scorpion. A monk sees a scorpion drowning in a stream and reaches out to save it. The scorpion bit him. The monk tries again and the scorpion bites him a second time.
A student watching this asks, “Master, why are you helping it? It will only bite you.”
The teacher answers: It is the nature of the scorpion to sting, it is to save, why should I change my nature when the scorpion has not stung?
People will be rude. Technology will inevitably make mistakes. This is the nature of the world. But if we respond by being angry and rude, we are allowing an outside irritant to change our basic nature.
How we treat those who cannot resist is the ultimate test of our integrity. Ron Shaich, the founder and former CEO of Panera Bread, used what is commonly called the “Waiter Rule” when hiring managers. He would carefully observe how the job candidate interacted with the restaurant staff during lunchtime interviews. If the candidate was charming to her, but rude or disrespectful to the waiter, they would not be hired.
When working with a bot, a stranger or a server, they cannot resist. How you treat them is the purest reflection of who you really are.
Getting the thorn out of your mind
Practicing kindness isn’t just about making the world a better place; it’s about protecting your soul.
Abraham Lincoln was once riding in a wagon with friends when he saw a pig stuck in a hole in the mud, squealing and struggling to get out. Lincoln asked the driver to stop, got into the thick mud in his best clothes, and wrestled the pig to safety.
When he returned to the wagon, his friends teased him, asking why he would ruin his clothes for a random pig. Lincoln replied, “I didn’t do it for the pig, I did it to get the thorn out of my mind.”
When we are rude, mean, or impatient, we stick a thorn in our brain. We stimulate our nervous systems and disturb our peace.
Three steps to soften your heart
No matter where we are now, we can choose to change the habits that shape our character. Here are three actionable steps to practice daily grace:
1. Protocol of magic words. For a week, challenge yourself to say “please” and “thank you” to everyone—even when they’re being rude, and even when you’re interacting with AI. You will soon find that your mood will soften.
2. Pause for three seconds. When a web page loads slowly or a stranger annoys you, pause for three seconds. Take a deep breath before reacting. Use this delay to build patience instead of building up your frustration.
3. Lincoln Test. If you feel the urge to be mean or rude, stop and ask yourself: Am I putting a thorn in my brain now?
Our character is the house we live in. Let’s not tear down walls just because we think no one is coming to visit. Let’s adopt a beautiful new affirmation: I speak kindly, not because they hear me, but because I listen.
