A personal story captures many of the issues I (EB) have with compulsive apologetics.
When my daughter was in fourth grade, she met a peer. It came to me first attention When another parent who observed the after school program activity in her child’s car told me that my daughter was being “bullied”. A child that is said insult he was in fifth grade and struggling. Interestingly, neither the program staff nor my daughter informed me of this problem.
Once it was on my radar, I was able to learn a lot from the after school program. I found out that this boy drew cartoons where he killed my daughter and her best friend. One day, he chased her in the gym, yelling, “I’m going to hurt you,” which the school team initially interpreted as a “play.” When he caught her, he was physically aggressive.
Perhaps because I was now so cautious of these peers, the after school staff imposed a fine. He should go home and write an apology for his behavior. It seems to be a common reaction of adults in this kind of situation: demand an apology. I was with my daughter when she opened the letter of apology at home the next day.
Why don’t I like forced apologies as a strategy?
- Asking someone to say they’re sorry when they’re not is teaching a lie. Adults sometimes don’t even try to see if the person is sorry before asking them ask for forgiveness.
- Sometimes an apology is a consequence and therefore the only response. Other consequences and possibly solutions can be avoided by saying “I’m sorry” – even when with a clear message that the person is not sorry for their behavior.
- A forced apology does not take into account what the wronged person wants. Even worse, the wronged person is often forced to accept an apology, regardless of how they feel about the incident. They are encouraged to pretend that the apology is sincere and to forgive the other person. The wronged people should be involved in the discussion of the chosen decision, rather than accepting an apology or feeling guilty if it is rejected.
- An apology forces the wronged person to re-engage with the abuser, even when the wisest course of action is to avoid it. I have witnessed first hand that many children in preschool are attacked by their peers. Sometimes children are re-contacted while the abuser is asked to touch with “gentle hands” as if to accept a forced apology. A child who has been hit may not want to be touched again – gently or not. And, how many times does soft-hand intervention provide another opportunity to strike?
- Perhaps my biggest concern is that a forced apology becomes a cycle where the person engages in negative behavior, says he’s sorry, gets over it, and then the person is released, with a clean slate, and then engages in negative behavior again.
- Unlike a coerced apology, a genuine and unsolicited apology can be a good thing, especially when it comes from the offender with appropriate impact and, most importantly, a commitment to a plan of changed behavior. Compensatory action can be part of a sincere apology. A considered repair can be very powerful.
In my professional life as a psychologist, I ask children to apologize if they are not sorry and willing to change their behavior. My plan of action with pediatric patients often involves self-awareness of behavior, identifying when behavior needs to change, and developing plans to work on more effective and ethical ways of interacting with other people. Forced apologies usually don’t feel good to the recipient. Interestingly, if not sincere, they usually don’t feel good about apologizing either. Where is the benefit?
So what happened to my daughter’s forced apology? He just shrugged and said that he was forced to write it, it didn’t mean anything, and the next day he’d be back at it, which he really was.
