“What are you doing?” my patient, Dan, yelled at his 4-year-old son, who was wearing his wife’s flowery overalls and twirling a sword.
“I’m cooking, daddy,” Bobby replied as he sobbed.
“I felt like such an idiot,” Dan told me. “I know I’m not the poster child for meek parentsand I know I shouldn’t yell, but I can’t stand it when she wears her sister’s pink clothes and plays with her dolls. I dreamed of having a child who played football like me and my father.” He paused. “He’ll get over it, won’t he?” Dan asked in a voice that was almost pleading.
For the past 30 years, I have worked with parents who have struggled sex the choices their children make. Sometimes they scold themselves, sometimes they extricate themselves anger on their children. Often family members combine it blame and shame. Years ago, it was often unusual for kids to want to move on to middle school or high school, but now we’re seeing that conversation still pop up in elementary school.
I have seen this anxiety from many angles. I trained in a college counseling center in the mid-1980s, when gender inquiry was uncharted territory and there was little to support them. teenagers to come to terms with the complexities of sexual desire that contradicted traditional norms. And the issue sexuality College is in full force when students are away from home and family.
But change is not easy for anyone. Eileen, a highly traveled executive, walked into my office and began to cry. He has never lost his composure in our three years together therapywhich focused on him early on injury. “I feel torn between my head and my heart and no one to talk to.” He explained that Sarah, now 14, wanted to be a boy and asked her classmates and teachers to use the name “Sam”. The teachers and other guys were welcoming. However, in scouts, teasing and insult from other girls. Created by Sarah eating disorder. It was difficult to get support from family. Grandfather, from a very different generation, did not understand what was happening. “I miss my sweet little girl,” he said, making everyone cringe. Sarah ran to the bathroom to cry and didn’t speak to him for months.
“I know I shouldn’t say this, but I did dreams do simple girly things with Sarah, like shopping for clothes or going to romantic movies. No. It won’t happen.”
After watching the heartbreak of parents for decades, I have come up with suggestions that have worked for many.
Don’t do it alone.
Many parents feel that they have lost their child in this process. They know it’s not their child’s death, but the child they are now parenting is not who they imagined. It can be comforting to find others who are struggling in the same way, whether it’s an online group or chat, or seeking help at a local hospital, church, or other place of worship. It’s okay to be sad on your own. Give yourself space to feel both ways.
Learn to love The child is now.
Vigilance has been a major support for the parents (and children) I work with, because change is one of the most important things about thinking. Can you empathize with all family members? Change is constant in everything. Watching your child change is part of nature. This change was not intended, but then nothing is. And we cannot control our lives and our children. This prospect added some comfort when Sarah’s move to the King ended with surgery and hormones.
What was especially helpful to Eileen was that Sam didn’t seem so “tortured”. They find great comfort in their bodies. “Mom,” Sam explained, “that’s who I’m supposed to be. I like who I am.”
They were always interested in music, learning piano, singing and playing guitar when they were young. But now, as Sam, they could find a new sound.
“I found I liked this new voice,” Eileen said. The lyrics are powerful, the beat is powerful and the music is fresh and new. Sam and his band have developed a following and a record label is talking about a deal. It was a big change for all of us, but we worked together to find our way. It’s not what I wanted, but I understand that we have all become more stable.
