Marie, the mom I coach, reached out to me during a holiday party explosion. His son Seth told him divorce had destroyed his ability to have relationships. She felt devastated by Seth’s hurtful comments. Three days later, he texted her asking her to pay six months of his rent because you put me in this position financially.
The sample “You Owe Me” deserves a name
The above scenario is a real life example (names have been changed to protect privacy) from me your trainer work You’ve probably seen many articles and books about the gradual or sudden estrangement between older children and their parents. But this different type of pattern exemplified by Marie and Seth is what I call the blame-demand cycle. I often see that among many emotionally damaged and reactive older children and they happen blame– parents
Usually, there is an accusation and what can be immediately or even months after that is a request (request). The story that comes with it is, “If you really feel bad about it, you’ll help pay the down payment.” Or: “The least you can do after all is pay me rent for the apartment (or let me live in the house rent-free).”
When parental guilt is activated, I usually don’t see it in any conversation. It comes in like a swarm of drones and continues looking for a landing spot. These “guilt descent lines” take the form of sending money, a child coming home to live in a hotel or basement, or a parent constantly repeating the past. parents they regret in their hearts.
Two ways (with sample sounds) to hold the line
Based on my new book, You ruined my life, now you owe me! I’ve provided two audio samples with explanations below. These are sourced from my mentor parent’s work, but please don’t take these sounds as actual scripts. Rather, they are designed to help you develop a mindset in which you can present yourself as calmer, more rational, and more constructive in your responses to your older child.
– I hear that this is still expensive for you, and I am not going to solve it with money.
In one unfortunate case I worked with, a guilty parent informed me that they had given their angry grown child over $200,000 to “make up for what was done.” Believe it or not, another parent who felt guilty gave her demanding grown child more than $1 million, which only fueled the blame and further demands. These are unusual and extreme situations. But even $200 or less paid at fault because the driver crashes and burns. As parents try to absolve themselves of guilt or ask for forgiveness, they miss opportunities for calmer, more constructive, and respectful relationships with their older children.
When you respond to your older child’s pain by acknowledging it and keeping it healthy bordersit may feel healthier for both parties. This is not a refusal to help. Yes, many parents choose to support their children financially, and it can be genuinely loving. But when help becomes its price to forgiveceases to exist generosity and begins to redeem. On the contrary, the above noise is a denial of permission to exchange money for repairs. When help becomes the price of forgiveness, it stops being generous and starts being redeemed. Now let’s take a look at my next suggested sound.
“I’m willing to work with you on this. I don’t want to go to court again about whose fault it is.”
Based on the time spent working with older children, under the guilt, more want to understand their parents, than the actual sentence related to the guilt. Tom, another parent I worked with, found this out when his daughter Paige, 29, reappeared after six months of no contact. She reappeared in Tom’s life not with an apology, but with a demand that he sign the lease. She claimed that Tom owed her the money for it narcissist father and thought about himself all his life.
During our remote training, Tom shared that even though he suffered from being called a narcissist, he still had an immediate instinct to say yes out of guilt. Instead, he followed through with Paige after Tom voiced his racing thoughts and feelings. He told her that he was glad to hear her words, but he was hurt by her words. He went on to say that he was not ready to make a financial decision because he was not interested in a constructive conversation.
Paige was furious. But she also called Tom two weeks later to tell him that she had found a roommate and didn’t need him anymore. To Tom’s surprise, Paige asked if Tom would meet her for coffee “just to hang out.” Their relationship didn’t improve overnight, but it did improve as a result of healthier boundaries from Tom, who helped Paige stop taking advantage of him. This opened the way for more effective and mutual understanding.
The Takeaway
When guilt comes with demands, it can be overwhelming for many guilt-ridden parents. The best ways to respond are to find out what the abuser really wants and to respond in a supportive relationship rather than an invoice.
