Finding a romantic partner is no small task. The answer to the age-old question, “Who am I?” Is it possible to perform these two tasks at the same time? Or, do you have to “know” yourself before you can have a successful relationship?
Making yourself a priority can help you find love
You probably know someone who was dating regularly, decided to focus on themselves, and then found the partner of their dreams. The classic story goes like this:
A friend moves from serious relationship to serious relationship and after the last one finds a new partner. They adopt the habits of their “current” partner, only to abandon them when a new partner comes in and take on something else.
Finally they decide enough is enough! They break the cycle and decide to remain celibate. Soon after, someone suddenly enters their lives. This new relationship will become their forever relationship.
Did that alone make a difference? Is self-awareness a prerequisite to finding a satisfying long-term relationship?
Early self-regulation theory reflects classical developmental psychology
Some theorists suggest that self-awareness is an important task before love can develop. For example, Erik Erikson is a famous psychologist who developed the stage theory of development, which identified key stages from birth to death. He determined adolescence as an important period in which individuals are tasked with identity exploration. This stage can involve turbulent uncertainty, questioning and exploration, perhaps even an “identity crisis.” In the end, healthy people come out for who they are.
Only after achieving identity, Erikson argued, can people enter adulthood, when the primary psychological task is to find intimacy rather than isolation. In other words, Erikson suggested that personality development is a precursor to health romantic relationships.
Evidence supports early self-regulation theories
Today is very different from the mid-1900s when Erikson proposed his ideas. However, evidence suggests that a clear sense of identity makes it easier to find lasting love.
A 2010 study in Germany found that people tend to follow a developmental sequence consistent with Erikson’s model, with ego development (ie, identity formation) as a precursor to intimacy (Beyers & Seiffge-Krenke, 2010). In this sample, identity development progressed during adolescence, and greater identity development over time predicted greater likelihood of entering a romantic relationship.
This offers contemporary support for Erikson’s ideas: personality development can lay the groundwork for rapprochement.
Relationships can be better for those with more self-awareness
Personality growth can only be matched with age, and people can enter relationships later in the developmental trajectory. However, a closer look at self-concept reveals that there is an attitudinal advantage for people with a strong sense of identity.
A recent study in Finland found that there is a group of people who “promise” their identity and that these people tend to get involved earlier than others (Peters et al., 2026). In this long-term work, people who showed low personal commitment but also high intelligence were unable to marry. All of this supports Erikson’s stage theory.
Not only can people create their own identity before entering a relationship, but some studies show that people are happier in relationships when they have a clear sense of who they are. In this line of research, people with higher self-esteem also reported higher relationship satisfaction (Tenney et al., 2013). In other words, people who know they are not only more likely to enter relationships, they may also be happier while they are in them.
Relationships provide opportunities for personal development
The problem with Erikson’s model is that it suggests that we “acquire” or solidify our personality development in our early years, and that’s it. We are who we are.
Modern psychologists recognize that personality development continues throughout life. Rather than arguing about who we are first and then entering into relationships, the prevailing view is that relationships provide fertile grounds for self-discovery and development. For example, one study found that young adults in serious romantic relationships later experienced greater depth of identity search and greater identity commitment in their backward model (Kindelberger et al., 2020). Relationships helped them develop their personalities.
Important relationships to read
He recognized me and then raised me
So how do we reconcile these ideas? There is no doubt that people change in their relationships. This is an important and motivating aspect of being intimately connected with someone else: our romantic partners influence us, and we influence them. For example, self-actualization theory suggests that we all have the same foundation motivation grow, and we seek out relationships in part because they help us do so (Aron et al., 2022). We expand our sense of self through our relationships.
At the same time, a strong foundation in our sense of self can help us find the “right” self-expanding relationship. Recent evidence suggests a greater possibility self concept Clarity, that is, having a clear understanding of oneself, can help people understand themselves dating market (Kubin et al., 2024). If you are insecure about yourself, you may be open to people who are not compatible with you. In other words, people who know themselves can choose better partners. Perhaps this explains why they are happier in these relationships (Tenney et al., 2013) later.
Together, knowing yourself can provide a significant edge in the dating game, but personality development doesn’t end once you’re in a relationship. People with a stronger and clearer sense of self may be better prepared to enter relationships, but more growth is possible as they grow in them. Close relationships can support new understandings of identity, but also provide a window for new exploration and development.
