For about 15 years, I drove across town to see a doctor.
When I found out I was HIV positive after being tested in 2009, I wanted to go to a clinic as far away from where I live as possible. I felt a lot shameI didn’t want to risk running into someone I knew.
Even though the clinic was almost an hour away from where I lived without traffic, I got in my car and drove across town. Every time I had blood work or went to my health care provider for a routine checkup, I did the same thing.
Also, I never felt like my provider was on my side. Like being in a relationship with someone who tolerates you but doesn’t really have your best interests at heart.
My first doctor was by my side after my diagnosis. She jumped right in and told me that we had to do everything we could to get me treated and to get my T cell count back to a healthy level so that I wouldn’t be detected. But for the past seven years, since my doctor retired, I’ve been seeing someone I didn’t really think was on my side. He would sometimes rush me into our meetings or wonder why I was even there. I’ve wanted to see a gay doctor for a long time, but I didn’t feel comfortable asking.
When I was home for the holidays this year, one of the shows my mom and I loved was called Nobody wants that. In one of the episodes, the rabbi, played by Adam Brody, tells his friend: “Deserve the relationship you want.” I immediately grabbed my phone to write it down in my notes for a book I’m working on for gay men on value.
It helped that my relationship with my health care provider was unhealthy. I wasn’t getting my needs met; we didn’t communicate; I felt unsupported, but it was what I felt I deserved unconscious level. After my last visit with my previous doctor, I decided I wanted to switch providers. I specifically asked for a gay doctor in my neighborhood. I recently visited him for the first time and the office was only 10 minutes away from my home. With traffic!
It was one of the most amazing experiences I’ve had in healthcare. He sat down with me and we went over all my concerns, my medications, and my schedule. He even provided for me education about things i didn’t know as it relates to men’s health medicineand HIV. One of the things I mentioned to my previous provider was concerns about my weight gain. I’ve weighed between 175 and 178 my whole life and I’m about 2023. On my last trip, I weighed 209 – the most I’ve ever weighed. I always have body image problem, but there was a very significant increase from 178 in 2023 to 209 in 2025.
My new doctor normalized my experience and educated me about the various HIV medications associated with weight gain that my old provider had talked to me about but never mentioned the side effects. I don’t blame my previous provider in any way, but we have a relationship with everything – food, money, sexand people, including our health care providers. Taking full responsibility for myself was self-awareness and was able to solve some of my health problems. The doctor looked at me and reassured me: “Come on, we will bring you back to your weight.” I felt seen and heard and for the first time in a long time my needs were truly important.
I left the office and immediately called my mother, who has faced many health problems in her life and has self-diagnosed many times before. She is very knowledgeable about her health care providers and I am always impressed with her medical support and her relationships with her doctors. I knew she would understand. I told him that meeting my new doctor was like finding the perfect suit or getting a new car. It was safe, comfortable, supportive and put me at ease. It also helped me feel better self-esteem.
Many of my personal clients talk to me about staying in situations, whether it’s a job, life situation, or relationship, that they’re not happy with. One of the most common patterns I see is the gap between what gay men say they want and the decisions they actually make. We learned very early that we need to satisfy our wants and needs, and so it makes sense that many of us question whether it is okay to ask for them, let alone believe that we are worthy and worthy of meeting them.
I’m amazed at how many of us still metaphorically go out of our way across town for something we don’t even feel good about. How many relationships—whether with friends, workplaces, roommates, partners, health care providers, or even our own therapists—we stay in because we unconsciously believe it’s what we deserve.
