A few weeks ago, after a hiking accident, I found myself in the hospital. Despite the raw feeling, when the doctor came in, I noticed something about his scrubs. They were inside.
I didn’t say anything at first, but my inner monologue was: Does he know? Can you kindly say something? Or is it none of my business… and just awkward?
But when he handed me my resignation papers, I decided to go for it. In response, she paused and remained silent, “Most scrubs are returned.” In other words, they were good.
It was a little embarrassing, but also enlightening. Not about the hospital gown, but about something else: Kindness isn’t just about getting it right. It’s about taking the risk of making mistakes.
Brave kindness in space
I thought back to that moment in ER when I was sitting in the theater watching Hail Mary project. A new sci-fi film starring Ryan Gosling, based on Andy Weir’s book, is a story about survival and friendship between two very different beings trying to save their planets.
At one point, Rocky suggests that Grace, the human played by Gosling, is like this: “Risking yourself to help others.” They define it as courage. But it’s also an interesting definition of kindness.
Kindness is classified as simple and even obvious. Just be kind.
But in practice it is more difficult. Should you send a message to a grieving friend or is it too intrusive? Do you give the restaurant honest feedback or do you smile and move on? Do you help someone you don’t fully trust or do you protect yourself?
When we don’t know what it is and how it is perceived, we are exposed. We can misread the moment. We may be too much or not enough.
Psychologically, we are wired to avoid such social risk, especially the risk of being misunderstood or rejected. And this is where courage is found.
Don’t be naive
The voice that turns us away from kindness is the one that says: Don’t be naive. Protect yourself borders.
In Hail Mary Project, Grace first approaches Rocky’s ship to help, but with a gun in hand. There is wisdom in this instinct. The core belief is that we have to defend ourselves and that kindness exposes us.
But there is also something safe in this story. It gives us reason to retreat and choose distance and protection over vulnerability.
I notice these moments all the time. Maybe you too have had moments with a stranger, family member, or someone in need…when you didn’t know you were being kind or overextending yourself.
A few years ago, I received an invitation to a dinner party for an executive with whom I had a difficult and sometimes painful relationship. I intended to skip it and it would be easy to justify.
But I felt I had a choice that required me to give up: my sense of self.
So I left. I wrote him a card in which I sincerely named what I appreciated about him. It was not kind because it was easy. It was kind because it was difficult. A few days later she texted me, “I was imperfect.”
Mist of kindness
There is another problem: it is not always clear what kindness is.
Sometimes kindness means action: send a message to a grieving friend: “I don’t know what to say, but I’ve been thinking about you.” Sometimes it’s saying something uncomfortable, whether it’s pointing out a chia seed in someone’s teeth or offering feedback that might land imperfectly.
Other times, kindness is self-control. It’s choosing not to react to a family member or giving the ex space instead of reaching out.
So the question is not only, should I be kind? It is: what does kindness mean here? Brave love is also about the vulnerability of not knowing.
In the moment of scrubs, my efforts to help disappeared. But this does not make the action any less meaningful. If anything, it makes it clear that courage is in sacrifice.
After all, how many acts of charity have been cut short because we were worried they would be misdirected?
We all teeter
My brother once told me that he admired what he called my “brave kindness.” She said she saw me giving back to others, connecting with strangers, and being a little less judgmental.
The truth is, I often miss moments for kindness. But I’ve learned this: it’s okay to hesitate. There is no need to worry about using it. Not knowing how to do good is not right. And it’s okay to make mistakes.
In Hail Mary Project, When Rocky asks for a human word for “putting yourself in danger to help others,” Grace’s first response is to call it dumb, not brave. It’s funny, but it captures the real thing. We want to be kind, but avoid being foolish.
Kindness does not usually require great sacrifice. But it requires us to risk something smaller and more immediate: our certainty, our comfort, our sense of right.
You may notice these moments in your life, the quiet hesitancy before reaching out, speaking, or offering care. This ambiguity is not a problem. This is only where courage and kindness begin.
