In my previous posts about the phenomena re-victimized revisions based on my latest book, Leave the past in the past. But there another type of reenactment – when the former victim childhood end up abusing or neglecting others, especially their children and/or partners, in the same way they were treated as adults. In this article I will explain why and how this happens.
Not everyone who experiences childhood abuse or neglect will repeat what was done to them, but unfortunately, many do. Studies show that about one-third of those who have been physically or sexually abused or severely neglected will go on to abuse others. The rate of abuse among individuals with a history of abuse is nearly six times higher than the baseline rate for abuse in the general population.
Although many former victims tend to have experienced the same type of abuse, not all victims who become bullies repeat the exact same type of abuse. For example, a child who has been sexually abused may not continue to abuse his own children. Instead, they are more likely to become neglectful parents.
Why child abuse victims are often abused
In general, some of the main reasons why someone who has been neglected, abused, or abandoned becomes abusive themselves are:
You’d think it wouldn’t be difficult to make the connection between how we relate to others and how we treat ourselves as adults. After all, the saying “man hurts man” has become very popular recently. Unfortunately, however, those who abuse are often in denial about the abuse they themselves experienced as children. There are many reasons for this, the primary one being that children want (and need) to believe that their parents love them, and they will even excuse their parents’ inexcusable behavior to maintain that belief.
Male victims have difficulty admitting abuse or neglect because of society’s insistence that men should never be seen as weak or victims. When a male child is attacked, be it verbally, emotionally, physically or sexually, society expects him to stand up to his abuser and fight back. If he doesn’t fight his attacker, it can be considered his own fault. It is not right for him to tell anyone about it, not to admit that he is suffering, and certainly not right for him to cry about it. And so we have many grown men who are unable to connect the dots between their aggressive/abusive behavior and the fact that they were victimized/traumatized as children.
Identifying with the abuser
Another reason former victims may repeat the abusive behavior of their parents is the concept of identification with the abuser. This can be a way of denying the abusive person’s behavior and the effect it has on you. It is a unconscious a mechanism in which a person identifies with a person who is threatening as a way of coping fear and injury by becoming a fear-inducing person(s).
Continue to feel powerless
Being abused is extremely disempowering. This can lead former victims to try to gain power over others as a way to compensate for feelings of weakness. Old, repressed anger becomes a kind of revenge that they are superior to others. They’re basically sending the unconscious message, “I’m a grown-up now, and no one is going to hurt me anymore, and make sure I hurt others first,” even if it’s their own children or partners.
Taking this defensive stance assures former victims that they don’t have to relive the horror and helplessness of past trauma. In addition, abusive behavior allows the person to express and direct anger toward others that they were unable to express toward their abuser. But this inner feeling does not eliminate their weak and helpless feeling.
shame
Another reason it can be hard to connect the dots and realize you’re repeating your abuser’s behavior is because the abuse is overwhelming. to embarrass— so shameful that an abused child can block awareness of the abuse from his mind. Also, many people mask their shame with a false sense of bravery. They build a wall that they use to hide it. There, they can hide their feelings of inadequacy, weakness, and shame that may have been caused by abuse or neglect. While this wall can prevent any further embarrassment—”I’m going to embarrass you or attack you before you embarrass me”—it also prevents the person from realizing their own behavior. This makes it difficult for them to understand their abusive behavior, what caused it, and the changes they need to make to stop their abusive behavior.
Many former victims turn their feelings of shame into guilt. When something goes wrong in a relationship, they tend to look outward. It’s always someone else’s fault, never theirs. And abusive people are rarely able to empathize with their victims. All they think about is that someone has hurt them or disrespected them. Therefore, in their opinion, they have every right to harm that person.
He remained at fault
Another reason why we often repeat the perception of abusive or neglectful behavior by our parents is because we blame or reject the parent. Instead of denying that they were abused or neglected as children, some people become angry and blame their parents. Ironically, we tend to repeat the qualities and actions that we most despise in these parents. Our unresolved anger toward abusive or neglectful parents blinds us to our own abusive behavior.
If you have been abusive towards your children and/or your partner, punishing yourself about it will do you no good and only cause more shame. Instead, you should work to make the necessary changes that will help you break this destructive pattern. In future posts, I will provide you with ways to do this.
