Most parents think they can handle it anxiety answering each question carefully and carefully. But every surety thinks of a “small rep” in the gym too much. A child’s brain understands that uncertainty is dangerous and that someone will handle it for them.
For example, eight-year-old Josh asks his mother at night, “What if there’s a fire tonight?” His mother, Chloe, assures Josh that they have smoke detectors, an escape plan, and a high probability of being safe. Josh feels calm and content for ten minutes until the next spiral of “what ifs” thinking goes into overdrive in his brain. Or, how about thirteen-year-old Piper, who goes into “they’re mad at me” mode when her dad doesn’t return a text he sent forty minutes ago. Piper’s reassuring father tells her, “You don’t have to worry,” only for the next text delay crisis to rock Piper’s world even more.
3 Important points for parents
Although it may seem counterintuitive when your child seeks your reassurance, please consider that your reassurance is often a short-term fix with long-term costs. It calms the moment but strengthens it nerve the habit of seeking reassurance externally rather than internally.
My next point is that children don’t need less worries. They need different relationships with their worries. The goal is not to teach your children how to eliminate the “what ifs,” but to teach them to tolerate them and understand that whenever they are faced with uncertainty, you should be the first responder. This means that your children can accept their thoughts without trying to neutralize them.
My third point is that overthinking is a family pattern, not just a child trait. Excessive worrying thoughts often reflect the parent’s coping style. This means that the point of intervention is better to be the parent’s response than the child’s overwhelming opinion.
How to help your overactive child think healthy
I have seen many posts about children’s racing thoughts, but few practical tools to help them. A valuable tool is “Name it to Tame”. It teaches your child to express the worry itself (eg, “This is my worry brain doing its ‘what if’ thing again and now trying to take over.) As I describe more in my book, Free your child from overthinkingnaming the pattern, rather than trying to solve it, helps release the pressure of overthinking. It’s a small shift, but it helps kids break the loop without feeling like they’re facing their fears alone.
