Most of us welcome the holiday of December with the same excitement and high expectations that we felt as children. These are filled with advertisements and Christmas decorations that appear earlier and earlier each year. Movies show beautiful families sharing cozy holidays. Influencers offer beautiful images of perfect Christmas tables. However, for many of us, our actual holiday doesn’t match the images we have in our heads of what it should be. Despite our best efforts to create a happy holiday, something pulls us away and we end up disappointed and worse, against ourselves and alienated from others.
Why is this? There is something in us that turns us against ourselves and others: the “critical inner voice.” Or, for December, let’s think of it as an inner rage that tries to ruin our holiday season.
The critical inner voice can be thought of as the dialogue of our defense system. It attacks us when we feel vulnerable. It is especially active during the holiday season for several reasons. We lose ourselves by trying to be perfect and comparing ourselves to others. We avoid being alone or in old family situations. At these times, the critical inner voice reinforces the core belief that we are not good enough. It makes us feel worthless and less than others. It encourages us to be alone, then belittles us for being alone.
So what can we do? The first step is to recognize the critical inner voice for it. We often mistakenly think of this ongoing dialogue as just part of who we are. But it is valuable to define it as the “enemy within”. By doing so, we can begin to separate our true self from its destructive aspects. We may realize that it is not a representation of who we really are, and in fact it works to sabotage us.
This awareness allows us to develop an accurate and compassionate view of ourselves and to ignore these nagging inner promptings. The second step is to clarify this positive concept and thereby support and strengthen it. And finally, the third step is to take actions that go against the dictates of our critical inner voice, empowering us and supporting our interests.
During the holidays, it’s helpful to be aware of the following situations and how a critical voice affects them.
When we expect perfection
Everywhere we look, our expectations for the holidays are rising. Bloggers offer extensive gift lists for everyone in your family. Every day there are new and better recipes for preparing Christmas dishes. There are plenty of ideal holiday movies where family feuds are resolved and wrapped up in a nice holiday bow by the end. It is possible to speak in the period before Christmas.
It is helpful to express these attacks in the third person rather than in the third person. This helps to distinguish them from the alien attitude towards you and separate them from your true view of yourself.
- You should get them an expensive gift.
- Make the perfect meal. Decorate the house to look picture perfect.
- Make sure your family looks good and the kids get along.
The build up to Christmas sets us up for a certain amount of frustration. We can experience this in everything from gifts to food to relationships with family members.
- This party is terrible. No one is having fun.
- Walls are stupid. The food is bad.
- Children behave strangely.
No matter how wonderful it all sounds, the holidays never live up to what we expect.
- This party was a waste of your time and money. You should never have tried.
- The gifts you gave are terrible…cheap…not as good as others.
- Everyone thinks you have an inappropriate family.
So what is your point of view? How would you develop it? It’s helpful to keep these statements in the first person because they express your true view of yourself.
- Everything doesn’t have to be perfect. It’s not about how things look; it’s about presenting everything well. It’s not about the image; it’s about me being authentic and having fun with my family and friends.
- The house is not perfect; kids wear crazy clothes; some of the food is cold, I poured myself … but none of this is important. It’s real, and reality is messy. But we all enjoy each other and that’s what matters.
- Some of the gifts were a hit and some were a miss. The house is now a mess. But I enjoyed being with everyone; I had a great time. A few people drank too much and got a little rowdy or experimental, but overall everyone got along well.
What actions can you take?
Don’t apologize for anything…not for cold food, not for drunk people or a messy house. None of this matters. Attention to visitors and communication with them. Take this opportunity to spend time with them and celebrate this holiday together.
When we are alone and feel alone
For those of us who are single, we feel lonely this time of year. It’s easy to imagine that the whole world is out there celebrating the holiday season together. Unfortunately, the inner Grinch is very reactive about this situation.
- Look at you! Everyone is celebrating with loved ones and family and you are alone!
- Nobody loves you; no one cares about you. You are such a loser.
- What’s wrong with you, you don’t have a friend and you came here by yourself?
So what is your point of view? How would you develop it?
I’m alone now. I would love to celebrate Christmas with friends and family, but this year is not to be. I can have compassion for myself and how I feel in the moment. Just because I’m single doesn’t mean I’m not lovable. In addition, I can do things to correct this situation: I can do things that I enjoy and find meaningful. I can focus on my friendships this coming year and plan better for next Christmas.
What actions can you take?
You can enjoy your own company to keep track of this time, do something you enjoy, or even try something new. It has been proven that being in nature helps a person’s mood and improves his mood. You can walk in the park or go for a walk. If you are far from caring people, reach out to them. Text, email, or FaceTime to check in with them and wish them a happy holiday. You can look for situations where you share your experience with others, even strangers. You can volunteer; being part of a team working on a project with other people creates a sense of camaraderie.
When we spend time with our family
Going home can bring up feelings we’ve forgotten, ignored, or even been unaware of. These often occur in older settings where many complex memories have occurred. Some memories may be happy, but others are painful. Being around people we grew up with can make us feel like a kid again, feel old feelings inside, or just not feel like ourselves. Since our inner critic was formed early in life based on the ways we felt and were seen in our families, we can expect it to be heightened when we are in our past environments.
- They are still smarter than you. You have always been stupid.
- Mom/Dad won’t even listen to your story. You will still be ignored by them.
- Come on, think of something impressive to say!! Do not sit there silently.
So what is your point of view? How would you develop it?
I know I’m being provoked. Every time they say something, I feel like I’m the youngest boring kid. I always felt that way growing up, but I’m not that kid anymore. I want to have some self-compassion and patience. I know who I am now. I’m not sure they see me that way; it’s just the past coming back to me.
What actions can you take?
During the holidays, it can be difficult to maintain an adult identity while spending time with certain members of your family. Therefore, it is important to take time to be with the family of your choice. It can be a group of friends, your children, your partner – anyone who makes you feel good and more in touch with yourself. These are the people who make you the most like you, make you laugh, think or feel resonate with you.
When we become reflective
We measure time differently in December. It’s the end of the year and the beginning of a new year, and it’s usually a time for reflection. It consists of traditions and memories that pervade our lives and connect the past and the present. We often use it to reflect not only on what we have achieved and who we have become, but also on what we have lost and what hasn’t happened. We can feel the natural grief that comes with both our losses and our gains.
But there is a fine line between self-reflection and self-criticism. It’s one thing to look back on our year with curiosity and anticipation for any changes to come. It is another thing that the critical inner voice assesses us as a cold critic, examines us and points to our shortcomings. Soon, instead of being in a state of intense reflection, we find ourselves down a rabbit hole of self-criticism with our critical inner voice.
- Everyone is in a relationship. Why are you still single? This is so humiliating!
- See how successful he is. You will never have a successful career.
- She is very together. You are such a mess.
So what is your point of view? How would you develop it?
For me this year has many good and bad things. There is no point in focusing only on the negative. It’s been a good year, too, and now it’s time to appreciate it. I have a lot to be thankful for and I don’t want to ignore it.
What actions can you take?
You can make a list of things you have achieved this year. And that’s what you’re currently working on and making progress with. You can also start a gratitude journal, preferably daily, using a notebook or app to list sources of joy. This practice has been proven to help develop appreciation and a positive outlook on life.
The excitement and enthusiasm we feel during the holidays are part of the magic of this time of year. Among these positive feelings, it is useful to think about our inner anger and how it tries to ruin Christmas for us. When the critical inner voice tries to pull us out of our lives, we can get in the way. We can recognize when this leads us to have an unhealthy view of ourselves. Then we can develop a more accurate and compassionate way of seeing ourselves. When we return to what is important to us, we can take actions that connect us to our experiences and the people around us. We can be present and we can enjoy this meaningful time of the year.
