I was recently asked to review a book by the same name Once upon a time a stranger. In it, I learned some interesting insights into why talking to strangers can benefit you in ways that even your closest relationships can’t. I interviewed the author, Dr Gillian Sandstrom, who is also Associate Professor at the University of Sussex.
To learn more about the fascinating science behind talking to strangers, read:
Dr. Marisa G. Franco: How did you become interested in talking to strangers?
Dr. Gillian Sandstrom: One is my dad who is an epic speaker. I grew up seeing him do this, but I never really understood why he felt so compelled. It looked like he couldn’t support himself. But I am one introvertso I thought it’s not for me.
Second, when I was in my mid-30s, I met a woman who worked at a hot dog stand near my campus in Toronto. I was doing my master’s degree at that time, I was busy with many things imposter syndromeas many people feel when working in graduate school – that was it career changed for me, so I had a lot of doubts. And somehow, this small relationship became important to her. I never bought a hot dog, never even talked to him, but we smiled and waved at each other. It made me feel very visible and comfortable.
MF: That reminds me to read you quote yourself book-that even eye contact makes people feel more. I found this really interesting. I think we really underestimate the power of something so small in changing someone’s communication experience.
GS: Yes, and I have a story about it. During COVID We were only allowed to leave the house to exercise, so I walked in the park every day. One day, I was totally in over my head –emphasized, worryingI don’t even know anymore – and I passed a woman pushing a baby carriage and she just smiled at me. It didn’t eliminate all the bad stuff, but it felt like a shock to the system. It helped me to think, okay, everything is going to be okay. And that was just from a small moment of connection.
MF: It’s beautiful, especially because you still remember it. I don’t think people go home thinking, “If I smile at this person, maybe years from now they’ll be telling a story about what it meant.”
GS: I actually think most people have stories like this – a time when a stranger made a big difference for them. Maybe we remember those moments more because we don’t expect them.
MF: This brings me to another point from your book: the fact that strangers can actually gain benefits that our close relationships do not. Can you break it?
GS: Strangers and weak ties both offer things we don’t always get from intimate relationships. I have a chapter in my book called “No Strings,” and the idea is that you can share a moment with a stranger and be very close, sometimes easier than with people close to you. With intimate relationships, there is more risk – what if they don’t agree with what I’m sharing? What if it makes things awkward? But it doesn’t carry this weight with a stranger. Research in health psychology shows that people often find it easier to talk about stigmatized issues, e.g addictionwith people who do not know well, because there is less shame involved.
There is also a practical element: we don’t always spend time with the people closest to us. Sometimes the person who is there is exactly what we need at that moment.
MF: You also talk about how strangers give us more intelligent answers than the people closest to us. Can you tell me more about this?
GS: Of course, I think it comes down to objectivity. People we are close to tend to be like us – similar values, similar experiences. People we don’t know are more likely to have different perspectives and life experiences that give us new ideas. However, there is a small asterisk – they can recommend a job that they would not do themselves. We are actually wiser in giving advice to others than we are in giving our own advice.
MF: One thing I really appreciated, especially now when there’s so much uncertainty—probably around the world, but certainly in the U.S., threats to democracy, people going out of work—is your point that talking to strangers can help us cope with uncertainty. Can you tell me more about this?
GS: So many thoughts. I think one of the reasons it’s so scary to talk to strangers is that there’s literally no way to know how the conversation is going to go. You can’t predict it. It’s troubling, but if you get into the practice of doing it, you’ll face that uncertainty and realize that it’s okay. Everything went well. And I think the lesson generalizes. We can control very little of what happens in our lives, and it’s healthier to accept it.
Interestingly, a friend of mine recently noticed that people at protests start talking to strangers more often than usual – because they have something in common that makes it easier to start a conversation.
A student emailed me recently – she was on her way home and the bus broke down, and she said she usually just plugged in her headphones and walked in. Instead, she struck up a conversation with a woman next door and they talked about Dickens and the holidays. She said she felt much calmer.
I had a similar experience at the airport when the security rules changed and there was a huge line. The person next to me was on the same flight. Just talking, knowing we were in this together—it made everything less scary. When we’re not sure, it helps to talk to someone.
MF: Maybe we can deal with uncertainty by feeling that we are not alone. You also mentioned that conversations with strangers go much better than we expected. Can you tell us about your scavenger hunt training?
GS: I started this by trying to find out exactly what people are like fear about talking to strangers. What are the most common fears? And then I trained to overcome these fears. I could reduce them a bit, but there were so many that it became like a mole strike: fix one, another will appear.
But throughout this research, people kept telling me how they thought the conversation would go and how it actually went—and they were always so far off. We worry more than we should.
So I thought, what if I turn it into a game? I want people to have enough conversations that they see a pattern, not just a one-off. So, me developed research that people talked to a new person every day for a week. And what we saw was that every day it got a little easier. People became less worried about rejection and more confident in their ability to initiate and continue a conversation.
MF: So if you want to get better at talking to strangers… talk to strangers.
GS: Namely. I know it sounds simple. But yes, you have fears, and those fears are real, but you can still do it. And here it is: Everyone you know was once a stranger. You already know how to do this.
One tip that resonated most with people on a scavenger hunt was inspired by “pleasant interval,” finding that when two people meet, we tend not to give enough attention to how much others love us. The advice was simple: Be brave, people love you more than you think. Just a reminder that you can do something even when it’s scary.
MF: What percentage of the time were people actually rejected?
GS: Thirteen percent. Out of 1,336 conversations, people declined about 13 percent of the time, ie 87% success rate.
And I did a new job on rejection. Social rejection in general can feel brutal because our need to belong is so strong. But rejecting a stranger is different: it can’t be that person because they don’t know you.
We conduct research in which participants are deliberately rejected gently—the person simply says, “I’m sorry, I just want to be alone now.” And the participants don’t take it personally. They attribute it to the other person being busy, distracted, anxious, or something else going on. And this is important, because there can really be a million reasons – them shythey do not know the language, they are worried about something. You can tell yourself these stories and they don’t even have to be true. You just feel better.
MF: It’s a good reminder to believe in yourself stability.
GS: Namely. There is about research mental immune system shows that things are better than we expected. And being rejected by a stranger is a minor thing to deal with, not a public one.
MF: This reminds me of the idea of ”being as safe as you need to be, not as safe as you can be.” Exposing yourself to small inconveniences can really build you up.
This transcript has been slightly edited for clarity.
6 Important takeaways from my conversation with Dr. Sandstrom
- Even small acts of connection (smiling in the eye, smiling at a stranger) can make us feel less solitude.
- One way to deal with uncertainty is to make connections. The next time you’re struggling with uncertainty, talk to a stranger.
- Research shows that talking to strangers reduces and creates fear of rejection confidence.
- About 87 percent of the time, strangers are open to talking to you.
- If a stranger isn’t ready to talk to you, bet you’ll be better at dealing with it than you might expect.
- Exposing yourself to small inconveniences can really build you up. Remember, work to be “as safe as you need to be, not as safe as you can be.”
Okay, so how do we do it? How do we talk to strangers? Watch part two of my conversation with Dr. Sandstrom to find out.
